Journal Entry 10/10/09

Journal Entry – 10/10/09
Wow. My last entry was on 5/13… wow how things have changed since then.

2009 started with so much promise. I had a great job, steady income and benefits, and a wonderful relationship. Now at the end of 2009, I have lost all of those things – all of those things are gone. :( What started out as a wonderful and special time of year, has now descended into a winter’s heart. I have alienated, confused, hurt, and wounded many people close to me…burning bridges and relationships.
Worse of all, I have managed to hurt myself. For the first time I have hit rock bottom…in years past I thought I had at various points. This year I know I have. My heart doesn’t feel very much of anything these days – nothing is enjoyable to me. I cry a lot, and am a lot more defensive and self-protective than I remember myself being in years past. I have seen the blackness of my own fallen heart. Something in my heart is so sick and wounded, that I hide it most of the time from people. I lash out and have burned so many bridges. It scares me and I know its scared others.
I am a creative and resourceful person by inclination - I have this inner drive to create. So I need fuel to create with. And it seems unfortunate to say – but I’ll take any kind of fuel even if its not good.
These days hurt and pain surrounds me much like the cloud of dirt that followed Pig-Pen around in the Peanuts clips. Its sunny outside – but I’m not happy. I’ve had success with my music- but I’m not happy. I have my health, friends, family – but I’m not happy.
I’ve looked in the mirror and noticed the dark circles that seem to be permanent fixtures under my eyes. And I see and feel things inside of me that I despise – selfishness, rage, jealousy and fear. All too often these things win out – and the spring/summer of 2009 is the worst possible example. I lost so many things, my job, love, new friends, and new horizons. When you can see it in people’s eyes they’re afraid/concerned or somehow that you’ve changed for the worse in their eyes…then you know something is wrong...

I’ve done charity work with the homeless before. I’ve never been homeless, in the classical definition, in my life before. But I understand the concept, because I’ve felt homeless in my heart…in my own skin…
Now its October and the leaves are gently falling off the trees again. Things are quiet. I end up staying up well past midnight, thinking, writing, and praying, because I can’t calm myself very soon after going to bed these days. Sometimes I’ll either go for a walk late at night or listen to music – anything to get away from this ugly, black silence for a vain attempt at calming myself.
So I’ve turned to the only things that I can seem to rely on these days – prayer and writing songs. I haven’t been to church in more than 6 months but intend to return soon. But I pray everything to God and ask him to be with the people I hurt…but God doesn’t audibly tell me much these days other than just to trust him and that something really wonderful is going to happen to me in October.

Late this summer I released my 3rd solo album Light In The Rain. Writing songs is the one thing I’m sure I was put on this earth to do. w/o songwriting I would be much much less sane. Lol  Writing songs – brings together my two favorite activities – music and words. I have spent A LOT of time studying both music and words. And I can’t describe to you the mystical, spiritual feeling you get when you write a song – its incredible. Then to have it resonate with someone or somebody, is even more so incredible. With LITR, I was writing to process the pain, but little did I know that the songs would resonate with people so much. As of this writing several songs have taken off and received airplay on Internet Radio – which is beyond my wildest dreams! :) so I'm really happy about that....but...
I seem to have a major Catch 22 – as good as those songs are and as happy as I am for their success. Everytime I hear them, I stuck with reminders of the times and situations they portray, and I get to live with that now. For better or for worse….
But the pain and loss of self-esteem hasn’t gone away….like I secretly hoped it would…. In many respect its as bad as it was those months ago. I don’t think there’s such thing a moving on from a trauma (death, job loss, divorce or relationship breakup) and I think people who tell you to move on are misguided. You never really move on, you just learn how to deal with it. The scars are there as permanent reminders, and you’ll always have them. You can’t move on from scars, you have to acknowledge the scar’s existence every day because it’s a part of you that never goes away. That’s why I say people who tell you to move on are misguided – it’s like them giving you a Hallmark card for your incurable cancer and that’s supposed to make believe that you’re gonna be just fine.

So why am I writing this...who knows.... its more theraputic to see and process your thoughts when they're on paper in front of you I guess. I just wish the first half of 2009 didn't go so wrong. if you asked me 6 months ago, if you thought I'd be where I am actually right now, I'd thought you were crazy...but alas its true...my life became not to far off from a tabloid. I wish it didn't turn out this way...

So here we are, and all I've got are God silence, a prayer, some songs, and my journal.

So…
Dear Journal,
I hope next time we meet on better terms. :) Thanks so much for your open pages and your willingness to listen to me. Sorry that my pain was kinda hard on your nice white pages. :) But thanks for being there for me, and for all the countless hours of unfinished prayers, half-baked songs, unspoken dreams, and longing for love. Thanks for being my friend.

Your friend, Ryan